Can it be done, I wonder. With my ageing, I find that being graceful about it, is one of the most difficult things. First comes my acknowledging some loss – breathing is difficult, walking is difficult, and on and on. Then accepting the loss myself and then acknowledging it to others and asking others to help me or make allowances for me I hate asking for help to do simple things like take something to the office which is only a short distance away. It makes me feel inadequate, dumb and stupid. And that makes it hard for me to ask nicely &/or say thank you nicely.
But I know that if I do take it to the office, it will take me ten minutes to get over it – sit down to relieve my back and hips, breathe in gulps to get enough air - and then I’ll be fine again. So I try to remember to ask nicely.
I think my mother aged gracefully, at least most of the time. I do remember a time or two when she laid a guilt trip on me. Something like, “oh go on to the lake with the others, I’ll just stay here by myself while you all have fun.” But by and large, she asked politely and thanked graciously. And all with a smile on her face.
I remember once back in the early eighties when my Aunt Lois and her friend Rubye came for a visit. It was in the fall and one beautiful day we went riding to enjoy the countryside. We came to a big field that was planted with pumpkins at one end and corn further down. We stopped by the side of the road to admire the beauty of it. Aunt Lois said, “I feel like I could just get out of the car and run across that field.” I thought to myself why is she saying that, she knows she can’t and hasn’t been able to run in a long time. Aunt Lois was in her seventies. I am now in my seventies and now I understand Aunt Lois.
I know I can’t run across that field but I feel like I can. I think the young person that I was is still the person that is inside me. But the body is a stranger to me. It no longer functions as it always did. Perhaps that’s one reason I’m having difficulty – I was used to being able to physically do whatever whenever I wanted. That’s not so any more and I’m having to deal with it. That’s what I think aging is - having losses and accepting them gracefully.
You know what it is, it’s CHANGE! Yes, it’s reared its ugly head again. It always gave me fits. Just as soon as I think I’ve got everything under control and a pattern worked out, something happens and I have to change! Change my way of thinking, being, look at a new point of view, and/or review other possibilities.. So I go kicking and screaming and fighting – I don’t want to change. But I have to, I do, and I’m glad – But it wasn’t or isn’t easy. I do believe that every change brings more wisdom and a greater understanding of self and others, so I’m always glad when it’s done. I just don’t want to do it again. AND here it is, I have to do it again.
So, I’ll keep practicing (there’s no way to wiggle out of it) and maybe even feel better in this role of being the old lady, letting others help and gracefully enjoying it all.
