Pain

Since I became an old lady, by my reckoning it was age 72, I’ve had many health issues.  Some are; colon cancer, a heart attack, atrial-fibrillation, asthma, chronic bronchitis, operations, and gout.  Hospital stays, doctor visits, prescriptions and a different diet for each ailment have become a usual part of my life.  All these troubles were and are inconvenient and distressing certainly, but for the most part I was able to keep my sense of humor and optimistic view of life. 

But now I am in pain, severe pain.  You know the kind of pain that makes you break out in a sweat, the kind of pain causes you to feel nauseous, the kind that makes you sick all over and that makes you use all your concentration to just get through the day.  That kind of pain takes me to a whole new stage of life. 

My left knee has had a torn meniscus for some years.  From time to time it flares up. I go get a cortisone shot and then its fine for months to years.  That is until this time. After this flare up I went to my orthopedic doctors and they took x-ray since it had been some time since x-rays were done.   They showed why my pain was so severe – there was no meniscus.  Now it was bone on bone.  I was given a shot and a big heavy brace.  All that gives me some relief but not enough to bring a smile to my face, it still hurts.  And so this journey continues as I try to find resolution and relief.  I had a flashback and remembered a horse throwing me when I was in college and I landed on my left knee.  Hummmmm, I wonder.

But I don’t want to just give you a report on medical issues.  I want to point out that today I realized that I have entered another stage of life.  You know the stages:  toddler, teen ager, middle age, and old age.  I thought old age was the end of the line.  Well, it isn’t – not for me. 

I am now feeling helpless, vulnerable and useless. I need help in everyday living.  The need for a walking cane, a walker, a wheel chair and/or other medical equipment seems likely.  I’ll have to learn which ones are helpful for me, where to go to get them and how to use them.  I know there are many styles and colors from which to choose and many are light weight and mobile. 

I had a Dr appointment scheduled for today.  Luckily a friend stopped by and said that she could take me.  That makes the coming and going so much easier.  I could take myself but it is quite an ordeal.  First I hobble to the car, then I have to push the car seat back as far as it will go.  Carefully and slowly get in, then bring the car seat forward again so that my feet will touch the pedals. Of course when we get there, I have to do the same thing in reverse order.  The Dr. has an office that is far from the entrance to the Hospital, so slowly and carefully I hobble along.  With Sally’s assistance, it is so much easier.  She helps me in the car and we set off to  the Dr.’s office.  When we get to the entrance, Sally gets out and goes inside.  Shortly she returns with a man and a wheelchair.  What a relief – I won’t have to do all that walking.  Sally parks the car and joins the Dr. and me. We have an informative session regarding the medicines, the disease and what I should do in my particular case. This Dr. really listens – it is no wonder she is one of my favorite Drs. 

After the visit, Sally pushes the wheelchair down to the outside door.  This is new for her too.  She has trouble making it turn and deciding how much room it needs to maneuver.  I visualize us as we are learning this new skill – we could be part of a comedy routine.  Sally gets me home and leaves to rejoin her busy and interesting life. 

 

Now, I need two prescriptions that the Doctor ordered and I need a few groceries.  I can get them if I have to but it will be very painful and exhausting.  I decide to ask a fried who lives nearby.  She was not at home.  About 5 minutes later Pat, another friend calls and said “I’m in the area is there anything I can pick up for you?”  “Yes, Yes,” I said.  I gave her the list of groceries and the info regarding the prescriptions.  Shortly she drove up my driveway, got out with the groceries and prescriptions and brought them in.  She put things in the refrigerator or on the shelves and we sat and talked for awhile.  How nice to have company and some errands done at the same time.

 

Today my life was made easier by the thoughtfulness of friends.  The errands were done and I just supervised.  I realize that I will have to ask for things that I need.  I am fortunate that I have many friends that will be glad to help.  But – asking for help, I find that hard.  That’s not what I usually do.  I like to be the one helping others.  I must learn to be helpless graciously.

Okay, I think the point is that I will have to learn how to live in this stage of life with some style and grace.  But for now it has knocked the wind out of me.  I’ll have to reconnoiter (I love that word) back up, think it through and come roaring out to join the world again in an optimistic frame of mind. 

Dr. Suzanne

No she is not a MD, no she is not a PhD but she is a doctor of plants.  She has a green thumb and can wave a wand and make plants come alive again.

I’m not sure how she earned this degree.  My guess is years of practice and patience, years of reading and studying and then years of being out in the field – her own yard & garden and that of friends and of professional groups.

A short time ago a dear friend died who had a collection of African Violets.  They were carefully given to friends who were interested and loved plants.  I was one of those friends.  I come by my interest and love of flowers naturally.  I grew up on a farm with a mother who loved flowers and also vegetables.  She grew flowers, cut them, brought them inside and made arrangements for almost every room in the big farm house.  She considered it one of her routine jobs and one that she did with pleasure.  That pleasure was passed on down to her daughters, my sister and me.  My sister is an expert and can rightly be called Dr. Jean.  I’m still in the liking/loving stage, one that always has flowers but not the expert knowledge to go with it.

I took the two African Violets reminding the owners that I didn’t know how to raise and care for them but was willing to try.  That was sufficient (they were desperate).  I brought the two plants home, put them in an east window and began to read and study about African Violets.  After several days I noticed that one of the plants was overgrown and doubled over on itself.  This didn’t look good to me.  I thought it needed to be cut into two or more plants but I really didn’t want to do it.  It’s a touchy job.  I called my friend, Dr. Suzanne.   I explained the problem and ended by saying a definite “HELP”. 

We arranged for her to come over a couple of days later.  She arrived, went to the trunk of her car to get her materials. It reminded me of the medical doctor getting his/her little black bag.  She came up on the porch, put her tools on the patio table and came inside to get the patient. 

The first observation was that both plants had been overwatered and were about to drown.  Plant #1, the overgrown one was immediately taken out of the dirt and a diagnosis was made that it was in bad shape.  The root had rotted away in the too wet soil.  After careful consideration, Dr. Suzanne decided to take several good leaves to her house and try to start new plants from them.  The old plant looked like there were some live roots about ½ way up the stem.  So Dr. Suzanne decided to try to save this plant by replanting it in African Violet soil and in a terra cotta pot (the kind it likes).  After careful arranging the roots, leaves and packing down the soil, Dr. Suzanne declared it done and said that she was not sure it would come back to life but she had done her best.  The directions for me were to leave it alone for several days and carefully observe.  Hopefully that would give it time to adjust to its new conditions and it would begin to renew itself. 

Plant #2 looked healthy even though it was in way too wet soil.  Dr. Suzanne just replanted it in African Violet soil and put it in a terra cotta pot.  “Done” she declared.

Then I was given instructions.  They should never be in direct sun only indirect light, always water from the bottom and fertilize them regularly.  She even left me some fertilizer to make sure I started off right. 

So the two plants and I have been given a new lease on our lives together.  Let’s hope we survive and bloom.  Dr. Suzanne has done her part.

MBS:10/7/11

Ageing Gracefully

Can it be done, I wonder.  With my ageing, I find that being graceful about it, is one of the most difficult things.  First comes my acknowledging some loss – breathing is difficult, walking is difficult, and on and on.  Then accepting the loss myself and then acknowledging it to others and asking others to help me or make allowances for me  I hate asking for help to do simple things like  take something to the office which is only a short distance away.  It makes me feel inadequate, dumb and stupid.  And that makes it hard for me to ask nicely &/or say thank you nicely.

 

But I know that if I do take it to the office, it will take me ten minutes to get over it – sit down to relieve my back and hips, breathe in gulps to get enough air - and then I’ll be fine again.  So I try to remember to ask nicely.

I think my mother aged gracefully, at least most of the time.  I do remember a time or two when she laid a guilt trip on me.  Something like, “oh go on to the lake with the others, I’ll just stay here by myself while you all have fun.”  But by and large, she asked politely and thanked graciously. And all with a smile on her face.

  

I remember once back in the early eighties when my Aunt Lois and her friend Rubye came for a visit.  It was in the fall and one beautiful day we went riding to enjoy the countryside.  We came to a big field that was planted with pumpkins at one end and corn further down.  We stopped by the side of the road to admire the beauty of it.  Aunt Lois said, “I feel like I could just get out of the car and run across that field.”  I thought to myself why is she saying that, she knows she can’t and hasn’t been able to run in a long time.  Aunt Lois was in her seventies.  I am now in my seventies and now I understand Aunt Lois. 

I know I can’t run across that field but I feel like I can.  I think the young person that I was is still the person that is inside me.  But the body is a stranger to me.  It no longer functions as it always did.  Perhaps that’s one reason I’m having difficulty – I was used to being able to physically do whatever whenever I wanted.  That’s not so any more and I’m having to deal with it.  That’s what I think aging is - having losses and  accepting them gracefully.     

You know what it is, it’s CHANGE!  Yes, it’s reared its ugly head again.  It always gave me fits.  Just as soon as I think I’ve got everything under control and a pattern worked out, something happens and I have to change!  Change my way of thinking, being, look at a new point of view, and/or review other possibilities..  So I go kicking and screaming and fighting – I don’t want to change.  But I have to, I do, and I’m glad – But it wasn’t or isn’t easy.  I do believe that every change brings more wisdom and a greater understanding of self and others, so I’m always glad when it’s done.  I just don’t want to do it again.  AND here it is, I have to do it again. 

So, I’ll keep practicing (there’s no way to wiggle out of it) and maybe even feel better in this role of being the old lady, letting others help and gracefully enjoying it all. 

The Walker

The Walker

You now use a walker,

I want to say:

“Remember!

Remember who last used a walker

in this house.”

I remember you saying

you could not stand the

clang, clang

of her walker.

You would go through other rooms

so you would not have to

confront Mama

and her disability.

I hope you did not mean to be that mean.

But there is something in me that wants to shout:

“See, see what it feels like!”

And don’t you hope the younger ones

view you

with more compassion

than you gave Mama?

MBS: 9/7/11

Gulio

I was in my second year of teaching and was beginning to have some confidence in multi-tasking (a requirement of any teacher, especially elementary). My student, Guilo showed me that I was still had much to learn.  My first graders and I were sitting in a circle in the little first grade chairs and I was reading them a story.  Guilo was sitting right next to me – as always.  This was not for love but for survival of both of us.  Half the time Guilo innocently caused trouble the other half he intentionally caused trouble and thoroughly enjoyed it.  He was the one in the class that I knew I had to know where he was and what he was doing all the time.  Now you might think that is a simple job.  Not so easy.

As I was reading the story, I began to realize the room was hot and stuffy.  I got up from my little chair, walked to the window, raised it and all the while kept reading.  Oh my, I thought, I’m getting good at this multitasking.  I walked back over to my chair and sat down ---oops, oops.  I landed on the floor flat on my back!  While I was congratulating myself for my coolness, Guilo had simply used his foot and slowly but surely moved the chair back out of the circle.  Since I expected it to be there, I did not look, I had not noticed any clue that anything was amiss.

There I lay on the floor.  I looked up and 26 little faces were looking down at me.  There was a second that would decide whether we would have chaos or all would be well in the classroom.  I carefully got up and said, “I’m alright, I’m not hurt but that is a dangerous thing to do and I lectured a bit more on how it could really hurt somebody.”  Then I glared (you know, that teacher’s look) at Guilo and said, “go to the corner.”  Order was maintained and we continued with the story.  Guilo was lucky that I didn’t leave him in the corner forever.

OK, Guilo made a point – always always be aware of what’s happening in a first grade classroom!

He taught me another lesson too.  This was early spring and Guilo was still having trouble getting any of the class work done.  It took all day because – he fell out of his chair, couldn’t find a pencil, broke the pencil, somebody distracted him, and on and on.  On day I was exasperated.  I said, “Guilo, you are going to stay after school today until that paper is done.  I’ll stay and do schoolwork, I’m in no hurry.  We are not going home until it is done!”  We stayed after school and now it’s just Guilo and me.  I won’t talk to him or interact with him. But, he falls out of the chair, can’t find a pencil, the pencil has a broken point and on and on.  It was getting late and I had finished everything I could think of to do and was ready to go home.  Guilo was not finished.  I realized my mistake – never never make an absolute statement that leaves no wiggle room for either of you. 

My realization came too late.  He had outlasted me. I was going to have to make up some excuse to end this standoff.  I said that I just remembered some errands I needed to do and had to go home.  I thanked him for really trying (and I think he had) and said that he could finish the paper tomorrow.  There was an innocence and tenderness about him despite all the difficulties he caused.  Some 40 plus years later he is still in my heart.  He moved away from the district and I never heard from him again. I wonder how he is today.

We closed up the room, gathered up our belongings and started to leave.  I was taking him home. We were walking hand in hand as we went past the secretary’s office.  In my southern accent, I cheerily called out, “Good night, youall”.  Guilo tugged on my hand and asked,” Mrs. Summerlin, what’s a youall?”     

Ahh Gulio, you wear me out and then you steal my heart again.

Celebration

 

Today was a celebration of colors.  This morning a male cardinal came to feed at my bird feeder.  It seemed to me he was redder than usual.  A bright red red!  Then after he had been here a short time a flock of yellow goldfinches stopped by.  And they were not just yellow but yellow yellow with touches of black on them. Spring is barely beginning here in upstate NY but these bold vivid colors brightened my spirit with thoughts of all the colors and textures to come.

Then right above them was a squirrel eating the new beginnings of blossoms on the maple tree.  Now I been observing and warring with the squirrels for at least 25 years and I’ve never seen this before.  I told you today was a celebration.

I decided some years ago that I have the right to declare my own celebrations.  I don’t have to wait til July 4^th, Christmas, or Mother’s Day or any of the rest.  The first celebration that I declared was when some friends and I went on a boat ride to see manatee in the Florida waters.  On the way home, dolphins joined us.  They followed us and jumped through the waves caused by the boat.  It was an awesome sight.  I just had to declare April 4^th, 2008 a Celebration.  And that’s not all, as we neared home a rainbow come out.  That was the icing on the cake.  When outstanding things happen that leave you with your mouth open – it’s a celebration.  At least it is in my world.

And the celebration this day did not end with that lovely morning.  Later that day about sundown I drove to a playhouse to see Robin Hood.  I left early so that I could stop and take pictures if anything presented itself.  Just beyond the playhouse is one of my favorite trees.  I have trees that I call mine even though they are on somebody else’s land.  I feel we have a special affinity.  I went to see my tree in the evening light. It is dead or dying so there were some branches very bare and there were vines growing up it.  It looked like a ghostly sculpture, especially in that ending of the day light.  In the background was a bank of trees, some evergreen and other just beginning to bud and bloom.  A gorgeous array of colors.  My visit with my tree added to my celebration. 

While at my tree site, I noticed red winged black birds.  The first flock I’ve seen this year.  I took picture after picture even though they were far away and the evening light was dim.  The results were not good  but it was an event to add to my day of celebration of color.

I drove back to the parking lot of the playhouse and as I got of the car I saw another beautiful sight.  There were three weeping willows and the leaves were that beautiful chartreuse spring color.  I took several pictures and I liked the results.  Another color to add to my day.

I finished my day with the entertainment of Robin Hood.  It was done by a local theater group and a  friend had a part in the play.  I met his wife (a friend of mine for about 40 years) and we comfortably sat together as only old friends can and thoroughly enjoyed the evening. The colors of Robin Hood and his Merry Men, all the other characters and Sherwood Forest were all the colors of the spectrum. 

Now that was a day to celebrate.  I declare April 22, 2011 My Celebration of Spring Colors.

 

I can't wait to see what my next celebration will be.

Tough Old Broads

I hang out with a group of tough old broads. Me, 75 years, Ann, 70 years, Chris, 70 years and Geri, 68 years. Yeah I know, that’s old according to what we thought when we were 20, 30 or even 40 years old. But now that we are there at that grand old age – it’s just a number. We still think we can do whatever we want whenever or however. We are spending a week together at Ann’s island home in Florida. We do this once a year to celebrate our birthdays and to renew the bonds of friendship. We spend every day doing our favorite things. But tonight was especially impressive. I’ll tell you about it but first I’ll lead up to it by telling you the events of the day.

We celebrated Chris’s birthday today. We followed the schedule she set. She still works so she wanted a relaxed day. We started at 10 AM with the Legacy Workshop which I led. For two hours, we discussed our lives in intimate detail. Today the topic was “You”. The assignment was to write about any of the topics that were on the worksheet and that we had shared, dissected and listed the pros and cons about at class. Tomorrow we’ll share our written work.

After workshop time, Chef Geri made a delicious, colorful and healthful lunch. This was followed by an hour or two of free time.

I chose to use the golf cart for a tour around the island. Of course I had my camera and was especially looking for birds and flowers. This was the first time I was to use the golf cart this visit. Well, I put my foot on the accelerator and the golf cart took off like a race horse. Now I’m prepared for a slow stop-and- go speed so that I can inspect all the sights and possibilities for a photograph. Instead I had my foot on the brake very hard just to keep from flying. I stopped – checked all the things on the dashboard that could be pushed or pulled or turned. Nothing made any difference. I turned around and went back home. I told Ann, the owner of this runaway, and she said, “I’ll check it out”. She went out and soon after, I went to the porch to see what was happening. There was Ann riding around the driveway, and the golf cart was behaving properly. I thought it was the old “car won’t run right, take it to the garage and it runs perfectly” but Ann assured me it wasn’t. She said that the accelerator was stuck in high gear, she just pulled it up from the floor and all was fine now. But to make sure, she came inside, found WD 40, went out and liberally applied it to the accelerator. I let out a big sigh of relief and said to myself, “ok, that’s taken care of”. I took the golf cart and started off. I had not gone far before I saw a red bougainvillea leaning against white steps. It was so graceful and beautiful – a perfect picture. Further down this sandy road I saw an osprey nest with mother osprey caring for eggs or babies – I didn’t know which. She was perfect for a picture – very blue sky behind her, her big woody nest and her green eyes in a steely gaze. Wonderful! I’m having a great time carefully looking everywhere and seeing things many people walk right past. Ohhh there goes a little green butterfly. I try and try to get a photograph of him but he moves too fast. Oh well, there will be other days. On my way back home I have the good fortune to see a big white heron swallowing a frog. It was a marshy area so the colors were beautiful. It took the heron several tries. I took many photographs, in fact I took many photos of all the above and other things that interested me because of the color, lines, light and/or unusual activity. The island is a paradise for a photographer. The colors are so vivid and the light is so interesting.

Our next activity was to take our new rafts out into the ocean, right in front of Ann’s house and float around for awhile. Geri had found an electric air pump and pumped up all the rafts. After enjoying the warm water and conversation for awhile, it was decided that we needed some liquid libation. We sent Geri, our expert bar tender, inside to make and bring out martinis. Clever Geri put the drink in water bottles so they would fit in the cup holder of the raft. So we swayed, rocked in the waves and laughed and joked.

Chris remarked that it was her best birthday ever! We all agreed.

But the day was not over. We came in, showered, dressed and lounged around for a couple hours, and then went to a fancy restaurant. Delicious food, service and company --- nothing could be better. But I skipped an important development. Geri and Chris walked over to the restaurant and Ann and I came in the golf cart. We got to the restaurant, parked on a slight hill. The emergency brake would not hold – it kept rolling back. Finally we rolled to a flat place (in somebody’s driveway), took one of the rocks lining the driveway and put it in front of the front wheel to keep it from rolling. I worried that we would get in trouble with the owners. Ann, who is a resident of the island, assured me that it would be just fine. We left it, with me still worrying but assuming that Ann knew the habits of the island. We went in and spent a wonderful hour or so having dinner and swapping stories.

Then we had to face facts. Ann and I explained our problem with the golf cart and asked Chris and Geri to come and help us push the golf cart out of the driveway. They did and we discovered another problem. It wouldn’t start! The battery was dead.

We had to get it home. It was late, about 10PM and nobody or nowhere to ask for help. There was nothing to do except push it home. Physically, the walking and pushing was more than I could do so I got the lucky job of guiding the golf cart home. Chris, Geri and Ann pushed up hill, down hill, and through sandy places all the while shouting encouraging words to each other to keep pushing. I hope you remember we had just been to a fancy restaurant and were all dressed up – including dressy shoes. Once going up a hill, it was too much, I had to get off, push and then jump back on as we coasted down the hill. We finally got home.

BUT we were not finished. The golf cart had to be recharged so that we can use it tomorrow. Ann took charge, pulls back a seat on the cart, pulls out the big battery, finds where to plug it in on the cart and then realizes that she needs an extension cord to reach the house plug. She finds one and plugs it in.

Next she persuades her reluctant cat to come inside. We are all tucked in for the night. Praises be!

We did not eat dessert at the restaurant because at home we had a delicious carrot cake all decorated for birthdays. The night before, when we celebrated Ann’s birthday, we carefully sliced off four pieces. Tonight we were really hungry for our special cake. We put candles on it as usual, sang Happy Birthday to Chris, sliced the cake and ate – enjoying each bite. Chris’ eyes gleamed with pleasure as her special day was ending.

Celebrating our birthdays together during this week is such a wondrous occasion. We are family and these celebrations help keep that bond firmly in place.

We will eat birthday cake again tomorrow to celebrate my birthday and again the next day to celebrate Geri’s birthday. The cake is going to last just that long.

This is just one day out of seven, so you can just imagine the goings-on the other days. Next Wednesday, we’ll leave going home with more stories to tell about this unusual group of friends.

Yes, this group of “Tough Old Broads” still believe that we can do whatever we want. So we just do!!